Well, actually, being a mama in general is scary, but at times it seems especially daunting as a single mother. I spent the nine months of my pregnancy worrying. Worrying that I wasn’t capable of actually delivering this baby, worrying that I would fail at being a mama, worrying that he wouldn’t love me… The list goes on and on. Obviously, I don’t have to worry about the first one anymore, but the others still pop up from time to time.
Having your first baby at not quite twenty is nerve-wracking. I mean, I was practically a kid myself. Some days I still don’t totally feel like an adult. I had no idea how to be a mama! I knew the basics of caring for babies from helping with my cousins, but that was it. There’s a big difference between watching my cousins for a while and handing them back to my aunt and actually having a baby of my own. What was I going to do when he was crying and just wouldn’t stop? What if I couldn’t fix whatever was wrong? I mean, I’d never even changed a diaper on a baby less than a couple months old. That was an adventure in itself!
I’m a little bit OCD at times and sometimes I really worry about whether I’ll pass that on to Isaiah. I mean, I’m not super bad about it, but there are just certain things that really bug me. Like odd numbers. I can’t stand it if something can’t be divided equally in half. The last thing I want is for Isaiah to go through life being bothered by little things, like a picture that’s not quite centered on the wall. I worry that I’ll ruin him somehow with one of my annoying quirks.
Before he was born and even a little bit now, I’ve worried about whether he would be completely normal. First it was fears of birth defects or handicaps. Now, since he’s obviously healthy, I worry about his mind sometimes. He’s so advanced for his age. I wonder sometimes what that means. Does it mean he’s autistic? If he’s just insanely smart, how will that affect his life as far as things like friends go?
I think my biggest worry has always been, “what if he doesn’t really love me?” I’m pretty imperfect and, trust me, there are times I don’t deserve his love. Yet, somehow, he always has loved me and always will. I love him more than anything else in the world and I want him to love me that way, too.
In spite of my endless worrying, I know that everything will be just fine. Isaiah is a wonderful baby and being a mama has turned out to be a good experience. It’s hard at times, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Isaiah shows me over and over every day that he loves me. He’s mastered the word “mama” and will walk through the house calling me. He gives me tons of kisses and hugs and wants to be with me over everyone else. I’m less than perfect in so many ways, but Isaiah loves me in spite of it… Or because of it!